Having a blog centered around grief is not the easiest thing to keep up with. I can write down what I’ve learned about grief, sadness, depression, desperation- in hopes that it may help someone along the way. But I can’t give you answers, I can’t say that by doing some one thing will make all of your heartache just disappear… In one day. Grief and healing takes time. Some take a little less and some take a little more. But I took a step back, took time for myself, and can now give you an update of my journey..
It’s been about 7 months since my last post. Crazy, right? My last entry was written just before a family Christmas dinner and I can’t explain how empty both me and my husband truly were that day. One family get together a few days later we didn’t even show up for. I don’t remember where I actually was or what I even did for Christmas, which probably goes to say I didn’t do much.
But I just reread over that post and what I’m seeing now is definitely not what I was feeling then: Strength.
That post shows so much light pouring through the cracks of my broken heart. I didn’t realize it then but I was so brave. Brave to take on another day, eager to begin living, accepting the loss of my son and so undeniably full of love for him and my life. You’re never able to exactly pinpoint where things change; where it all went wrong, where things started to go right. But those Holidays… That heartache… It changed me. What’s that one saying about hitting rock bottom?
Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. – J.K. Rowling
So, here’s a lengthy summarization on the past 7 months of my life. This definitely won’t be my last post, as I have much to fill you in on..
- I cut out toxic people. – I had to. There were people in my life that were consistently insensitive to my feelings and had completely disregarded my sons death. If there is someone in your life in any way holding you back from happiness, you need to get away from that person IMMEDIATELY. It’s not just happiness they’re going to steal from you; it’s opportunity, growth, energy.. So much of what we do is influenced by those we surround ourselves with. Life is too short to be surrounded by people who completely drain you (and trust me, they thrive off of it). I have been so fortunate to find people after the loss of my son that have given me so much to live for. They encourage me, inspire me, value, and love me. This whole toxicity portion is a whole separate post itself. It’s going to have to be. Because I really have just too much to say on it. So stay tuned for that, I guess.
- I loved my husband. – David and I have been together for 10 years now. The death of our son had taken a toll on our marriage more than any other life event we’ve now been through together. Let me say this first and foremost: I don’t know if I ever loved my husband more than when I saw him hold our son for the first time. He held Kai and he kissed him and I fell so madly in love with David all over again. I knew right then that all I wanted to do was continue growing my family with him. All I wanted to do was take all of his pain away and give him everything he deserves. But the months after that? My grieving? Yeah, it held me back. My depression held me back. I wasn’t a pleasant person to live with, there’s no way I was. But for better or for worse, he was there. Endless nights I spent crying, days I spent yelling out of anger and sadness. He loved me unconditonally when I wasn’t a very lovable person. And I am just so thankful that I was given this person to love and care for me. I needed him. When I had nothing left and all of my joy stolen from me, I needed him, and he was there. So we grieved together, we grew together, and we have been able to love each other more now I think because of this experience.
- I worked on my physical health. – When I was admitted into the hospital right after finding out Kai had passed away my health deteriorated quickly. There was a point laying in that hospital bed I thought I was dying. And I felt so betrayed by my body. I felt as though it had failed me. And then the aftermath of my delivery; finding out that this was just a very unexpected tragedy- no diagnosis, no reason, nothing. I put a lot of blame on myself. I put a lot of blame on my body. I thought that I was relatively healthy human being so why couldn’t my body support a pregnancy? Anyways, I set out to do better for myself. I started to eat better and use food to energize my body. Made goals to drink more water. Like soooo much water. (If Tom Segura reads this, I am actually the real water champ.) I added in regular exercise of both cardio and strength training, occasionally doing some laps in the pool but nearly drowned each time. I also tried yoga but it’s just really not my thing. I really want to be a twisted pretzel but my body is rejecting any and all efforts for that. And it’s kind of boring. Can I say that? I’m really impatient. So anyways, after a couple of months I felt so much more enthusiastic about my health. I was back at a weight I hadn’t been at since high school, I was able to run miles and take the stairs at work with ease. I finally felt like I was back to better health and I was just praying that it would be enough.
- I started talking to God. – I’m not religious. You won’t find me in Church every Sunday morning.. Or ever, really. I have a Bible somewhere in my house, but it may still be in a box in the attic, honestly. But I believe in God. I believe there is definitely more to life than this and when I look around at all the beauty in the world I know that someone somewhere is responsible. But after I lost my son I was so hurt and enraged that I completely gave up on what little faith I probably had. I turned my back on God, for sure. How could he do this to me? Why was I being punished? But like I said, my grief has changed me and so now every night before I go to bed I pray. I don’t know if he’s hearing me but the changes and the blessings that seem to continue to come my way is enough reason for me to think that he hasn’t given up on me.
- I had an unexpected and very needed surprise. – At the beginning of the New Year a seed of positivity engrained itself into my thoughts and began to change how I started living. I began to search for light and healing and stopped forcing myself to succumb to misery. I began to think more hopefully, like maybe this will be my year, maybe I will be able to continue on living and growing and laughing. It began to feel like the world was now returning to the beautiful place I once knew it to be. And so, one early and cold January morning I woke up to get ready for work and my husband urged me one more time to take another test. It had been probably three weeks or so since my missed period and each test I took came back negative. I even had blood work done at the office a week prior and it came back negative. So I wasn’t eager to pee on another test at all. If you’ve ever been a woman trying to get pregnant you’ll know just how devastating each negative test continues to be.. But to my surprise I was greeted that morning to two vibrant, pink, and POSITIVE lines.
My husbands face lit up seeing that test and the smile on his face was the light I’ve been so desperately searching for.
That was back in January. I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and healthy and happy. I would like to have another post written before the baby arrives to fill some in on what a subsequent pregnancy has been like after a loss. I know some out there want to take that next step and try again and may be looking for some kind of hope. Some kind of encouragement. A pregnancy after a loss is terrifying and filled with a lot of emotions, a lot of anxiety.. But also a lot of excitement. So I will do my best to get started on that but in the meantime, continue to take care of yourself, Sunshine. Fill each morning with positivity and turn your bad mourning into a good mourning.
Oh, and before I forget. It’s a Boy.